Please enjoy this excerpt from Manage Your Mission – Living wisely and abundantly for today and eternity. This book will help craft your life mission, establish its priorities, and succeed in each area: Faith – Family – Fitness – Field – Friends – Fun – Finances.
Other than repenting and trusting in Jesus, the most important decision you'll ever make is whom you will marry (if you get married). Nothing you do will have a greater impact on your quality of life. Marrying badly can bring a lifetime of misery, cost you ridiculous amounts of money, keep you from your children, and more, so you need to be as wise as possible. But nearly all the secular advice you'll get is the opposite of what the Bible teaches.
I will make various candid observations here that will surely ruffle some feathers. I do so without apology but with the reminder that men and women are different. They have different roles, different abilities, and different inclinations toward sin. Both genders can be equally depraved but tend to be so in different ways. I'm not favoring one over the other.
Deciding whether you should marry and whom to marry is crucial. As the Bible teaches in 1 Corinthians, there is nothing wrong with being single. In fact, there are many benefits. Unfortunately, in the U.S., the legal climate is such that the deck is stacked against men: No-fault divorce, child custody imbalances, few options to discover or fight paternity fraud, the "believe women, not men" presumption, etc. Again, both genders have issues, but men take great risks in marriage. Women initiate 69% of divorces, and college-educated women initiate 90%[i]. And the more partners a woman has had before marriage, the higher the divorce rate. Perhaps those divorces were for legitimate reasons, but it is a consideration. And most divorces leave both men and women poorer.
And relationships can be dangerous, especially for women, so you must choose partners wisely. For example, 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner[ii]; 94% of the victims of these murder-suicides are female, victims of intimate partner violence are overwhelmingly female (82% female vs. 18% male)[iii], and 1 in 5 women vs. 1 in 13 men experience sexual violence from intimate partners[iv].
And don't live together before marriage. Getting the benefits without a commitment sounds good, but studies show it doesn't work out as planned[v]. It isn't good for the couples or any children involved.
Yes, God can overcome all sorts of circumstances, and both genders are often guilty of sexual sins, but statistics mean things. And marriage in the U.S. is a peculiar thing, as it is the only contract where the party violating the agreement can severely punish the one upholding it. If more churches obeyed what the Bible teaches, Christians wouldn't be as likely to divorce for "irreconcilable differences" because it would mean they could never remarry. It would be a wise "scared straight" exercise to take boys and girls to divorce court to show them how the system works so they will take marriage seriously. The carnage for everyone involved is severe.
So with such major risks going in both directions, it is crucial to use wisdom and discernment when choosing a spouse. Don't choose based on superficial things, and don't get physical before marriage, as that can cloud your judgment.
But there are still great advantages to good marriages. Back to the foundations of decision making and God's will, you need to start by ensuring that the marriage is moral. That's pretty easy, as there are surprisingly few moral rules in the Bible about whom you can marry. A potential spouse must be Christian, legally available, and of the opposite gender (that last one used to be implicit, but today, we need to spell it out). Morally speaking, that's it.
But to the question of wisdom, there is much more to consider. When I say to marry well, I don't mean to marry into money. I mean to marry wisely and to follow God's plan. The book of Proverbs is helpful. As Solomon points out to his son, it may not be immoral to marry a beautiful woman, but it may be unwise if, among other things, she has no discretion, is full of folly, or is argumentative. Remember that the principles work for both genders, and of course, you should find a potential spouse attractive. It just shouldn't be the only consideration.
Proverbs 11:22 Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.
Proverbs 14:1 The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.
Proverbs 21:9 It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
There is a saying that women marry thinking they will change their husbands and that men marry hoping their wives won't change. Scores of women have gone after the "bad boys" and countless men have married for beauty and not character, and most have deeply regretted their paths.
It is also wise and crucial to seek input from others, as someone's temporal or superficial qualities may blind you. You'll want to assess how they treat others, react when angry, demonstrate impulsive behaviors, display solid character traits, and manage daily affairs. Consider all those things before getting into serious relationships. Far too many people get physical before marriage and form tight chemical and emotional bonds. As a result, they have lost the ability to make wise decisions. But if the circumstances are moral and wise, you have freedom in whom you marry.
A practical observation that too many overlook is that you must be the kind of person your ideal mate seeks. Don't listen to people repeating insidiously that your past doesn't matter. It matters greatly — to God, potential spouses, employers, colleges, the legal system, and lenders. Is there forgiveness in Christ for anyone who repents and believes in him? Absolutely. I've shared that truth with everyone from convicted murderers to executives. But the consequences of past behavior don't vanish. Blogger Lori Alexander noted that many men prefer tattoo-free, debt-free virgins, and many people — including Christians — lost their minds. She wasn't condemning those who didn't meet those criteria; she merely stated that men have preferences — just like women. There is nothing wrong with having preferences. Most men prefer a tattoo-free, debt-free virgin over a woman covered in tattoos, with $100,000 in debt, and who has slept with dozens of guys. Anyone getting the vapors over that is ignorant or malicious. It is also no surprise that most women prefer fit, successful men over the opposite. And marrying a single parent, for example, is not a sin — provided they are free to marry biblically — but it brings many challenges. Does the other person have a history of making unwise decisions? What is the involvement of the other parent? Do you understand the long-term legal liabilities you may incur if you marry them? You are not obligated to rescue people, especially if it involves a lifetime commitment.
One of the most important considerations is whether the potential spouse is forgiving. The emotion of love will ebb and flow, and conflict is inevitable. You will both wrong each other many times. And it will hurt more than when others wrong you because you didn't commit to other people for life. No matter how well the person matches your wish list of traits, your marriage will likely be miserable if they are unforgiving. Remember that wedding vows aren't for when you feel in love but for when you don't. You don't need them when things are going great. But you must remember your commitment to the other person when things get tough.
Also, look for the fruits of the Spirit: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law" (Galatians 5:22–23). You may want to reconsider the relationship if someone lacks in those areas. Infatuation and general compatibility won't last. You want a person who displays excellent character. "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised" Proverbs 31:30.
Back to the moral rules about marriage, God wants Christians to marry Christians[vi]. Therefore, violating one of God's marriage guidelines and expecting him to bless the marriage is not a good strategy. He might do so because he is exceedingly merciful and gracious, but he is not obligated to, and you should not be presumptuous.
Note that you don't need specific signs from God about whether your potential spouse is "the one." People who focus too much on the "soul mate" concept seem to discover later that their "real" soul mate was allegedly someone else. So, skip the drama, focus on making a mature and wise decision, and stick to it. And if someone tells you that "God told them" that you are the one, you should be skeptical. At best, the person is using lousy theology; at worst, he is manipulative (see the Decision making and the will of God section).
Secure a lifetime commitment first before having sex. How do you know you have a commitment? When you see a wedding ring on your hand.
Dating is a prelude to marriage. More dating isn't necessarily better. How does a series of failed relationships help to have a better marriage? If Christians should only marry Christians, they should also only date Christians. Otherwise, you may fall for someone who will pull you away from God. Dating aims to determine if someone would make a suitable spouse. You shouldn't waste time with someone who doesn't fit that description. Don't just date as a recreational sport or to feel popular.
In our culture, men typically pursue women. But wise women will at least give some signals to men if they are interested in a relationship. In the Bible, Ruth initiated contact with Boaz. And those handkerchiefs women dropped over the centuries weren't all accidents.
That ties into my advice to young people to marry early, if possible. I don't say this to discourage older people because God is sovereign, and things can still work out for you marriage-wise. But God ordains the ends and the means, and the older a person is, the smaller the dating pool. Do not listen to people who tell you to date around (translation: sleep around) in your 20s, have a great career, and marry in your 30s. Why? Because the kind of spouse you want will probably either be off the market or not interested in you because of your background. The 30s are not the new 20s; the 20s are a key decade to accomplish things and make good decisions that will greatly impact the rest of your life. If you've already gone down the wrong path, repent and make wiser decisions. If you are young, please follow this advice. Blogger Lindsay Harold said it well[vii]:
Our culture chews up women and spits them out, and it mostly uses the woman's own choices to do it. In particular, the feminist message — to seek career over marriage, have lots of promiscuous sex, live with men without making a commitment, put off childbearing, take birth control that messes up your hormones to make sure you don't accidentally get pregnant during a decade or more of premarital sex, and get an abortion if you do get pregnant before every facet of your life is perfect — just runs completely counter to what makes women happy, satisfied, and fulfilled. You couldn't come up with a more destructive, depressing, soul-sucking plan for women if that was your goal.
Marrying outside your faith is unwise for anyone, even for non-Christians. You plan to agree on countless things but don't agree on matters of God and eternity. For example, you'll have to decide where and how to live, how many children you'll have, how you'll raise them, where you'll vacation, and more. But you've said your beliefs about how life began, why we are here, who God is, what happens when we die, etc., are unimportant. It is a terrible start for you and a flawed model for children.
There is more to consider than a shared faith, of course. There should be a mutual attraction and a solid commitment to staying married. When you find a potential mate, do your research. What is his reputation? How does he handle conflict and anger? Does he fear God? How does he treat his parents?
Skip premarital sex and don't live together — even if you aren't Christians. It is a bad idea on many levels: higher divorce rates for cohabiting couples who do end up marrying, staying in bad relationships because you have become too committed, losing perspective, wasted time, diseases, pregnancies, higher rates of abuse, false rape accusations, paternity fraud, and more. Remember that while sin is usually fun in the short term, God gives us rules that ultimately help us if followed.
God designed marriage to be for life. The "one flesh" metaphor is apt for divorce because the pain and heartache are akin to tearing your body apart. And it is actually in your self-interest to treat your spouse well. If you are one flesh, harming your spouse is also a self-inflicted wound. Try to remember that when you have conflicts. It will be hard sometimes, but remember that God uses marriage and parenting to grow us to be more like Jesus.
Mark 10:6–9 "But from the beginning of creation, 'God made them male and female.' 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."
Side note: That passage also has Jesus refuting Darwinian evolution and everything in the LGBTQ+ spectrum. Don't disagree with Jesus or be offended by what he said.
The passage also teaches that your spouse becomes your priority when leaving your parents. Of course, you still honor them, but they should not take precedence over your spouse. When my daughters married, I was glad to be the #2 man in their lives because that is how it should be.
Never stop maintaining and growing the marriage. When teaching a Sunday school class of young adults, I asked if they had so much money saved that they could afford to fund a second household. They laughed because none of them were in that position. So, I pointed out how wildly costly divorces were and that the best investment they could make was to keep their marriage strong. And even with biblical grounds, such as adultery, that doesn't mean you have to get divorced.
I encourage people to make every attempt to reconcile their differences. Far too many people, including Christians, get divorced for unbiblical reasons. For example, they think not being happy is an excuse for divorce. But that wasn't part of your vows before God, family, and friends. God can use challenging relationships to make you grow.
I always encourage people to get counseling if they have issues or are considering divorce — though I caution them to find counselors who believe the Bible to be the Word of God. Too many counselors, even Christian ones, give people saltwater advice. By that, I mean they aren't getting to the root of the problem; they are just prescribing more of the same things that caused the initial friction – just as drinking saltwater won't satisfy your thirst. If the primary problem is the wife not respecting the husband, for example, having him become more of a doormat will only worsen things.
Also, consider how divorce may create more problems than it solves. Every anniversary, birthday, holiday, vacation, wedding, etc., will dramatically change. One friend realized too late that he was permanently in second place with his kids for family gatherings because he had initiated an unbiblical divorce. And people wildly overestimate what the dating market is like for older people — especially single parents.
You also want to do everything possible to ensure your children marry wisely. I had it somewhat easy because my kids were even pickier than I was about whom they should marry. Fortunately, our daughters didn't just date for recreation. They did it for a purpose and didn't waste time with guys who wouldn't be marriage material. When they got serious with their future husbands, I knew the guys must be terrific. Otherwise, they wouldn't have made it to the first date. I know people joke about grilling their daughters' dates, but we quickly realized they might end up part of the family and had no need to be contentious.
We prayed for a couple of decades that they would marry wisely, and God answered those prayers. He even gave us "bonus features" in that the in-laws are amazing. We joke that both daughters won the "in-law lottery."
Pro-tip on planning for your daughters' weddings: Make a budget. Then double it. It was expensive but worth every penny, as those were some of our most joyful times.
[i] https://divorcedmoms.com/why-do-women-initiate-divorce-more-than-men
[ii] https://vpc.org/revealing-the-impacts-of-gun-violence/
[iii] https://bjs.ojp.gov/content/pub/pdf/ndv0312.pdf
[iv] https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/intimatepartnerviolence/
[v] https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2019/11/06/marriage-and-cohabitation-in-the-u-s/
[vi] 1 Corinthians 7 and and 2 Corinthians 6:14 (although the latter is about more than just marriage)
[vii] https://thetransformedwife.com/our-culture-chews-up-women/
Copyright 2022
Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible
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